Ok, to link the last post back to Jeremy Hartley and his part in this.
I'm not a vindictive person. I'm not. But here's how it stands.
Myself and Carly Swan/Ubermouth had what some call a 'cyber relationship' which means, not an actual relationship at all. During the process of this I was put through more abuse, pain and suffering than any woman has ever put me through. As a result of which I begged her to just leave me alone. No hard feelings, just leave me alone.
But no, she stalked me viagra cialis online pharmacy pharmacy, harrassed me with e-mails, overlooking the fact that SHE was the one who had traumatised ME, not the other way around.
Not content with having basically reduced me to a state of shellshock and thoroughly traumatised me to the degree where I pretty much NEVER wanted to have ANYTHING to do with ANY woman again, unless it be purely for casual sex, THAT'S how horrible an expereience she was- she then set out online to carry out a malicious campaign online against the most important thing in my life- my blog.
I didn't want to take it further in 2007. I just wanted to forget the whole nasty experience and get on with blogging like it had never happened. I'd never FORGET it, just as a woman doesn't forget being raped. But I was prepared to forgive, move on, blog on.
As long as I never, EVER heard from Carly Swan offline, she never commented on my blog and never tried to speak TO me in other people's comments sections.
I felt no malice. I just didn't want to hear from her ever again. I just wanted to be able to come online and visit blogs without being frightened I'd bump into her.
Because she felt she'd been wronged. And was being vindictive. But I was the victim, not her.
And in a sense, yes, it goes back to Hartley's fucked up, abuse justifying, rape justifying, bully protecting system of values.
Contrary to what Carly and Hartley like to claim, I'm not a bastard. Not that it should have mattered, but I wouldn't- long term- consider any form of sexual relationship with a woman unless what is called 'swinging' was part of it.
This isn't because I'm some sex crazed deviant, as they like to claim. It's actually about emotions. I've learned from experience. It's not about me wanting to cheat, it's about two other things.
Firstly, I haven't the will power to say 'no' if it's offered. And it is. Because I'm a compulsive flirt. So- I WILL 'cheat'. Can't help it. When I do, I don't want to get hurt.
Secondly, as I learned when I was younger, your girlfriend 'cheating' only hurts because you've built up an expectation she won't.
When I had a girlfriend who told me, straight up, in the first week 'I fucked a guest at the hotel today', funnily enough, it didn't hurt. It actually got me hot. And actually, I realised how STUPID thinking it would hurt was.
So no- I don't want a woman to be 'faithful' to me because then I'd get used to it and then it would hurt if she wasn't. By her not being faithful, right in front of me, it acts as an antidote to the poison.
The other thing is- relationships end. I don't want to be hurt when they do. It's not a question of fighting them ending- that would hurt too. The way round being hurt is to live each day as if it's the last. As if you're in constant expectation of it ending.
What I'm not going to do is 'fight for the relationship'. Not ever. Because I might lose. And that will hurt.
So- when you talk of emotional investment- no, I've never got that much emotionally invested in you. I might love you with all my heart but I remain- at all times geared and ready to lose you. To give you up. To surrender.
If you leave? I'll be ok. Next day, I'll have forgotten.
And part of the reason for that...
Ok, someone- Bunny actually- once asked why you'd cheat on someone you genuinely loved.
Actually, there's MORE reason to cheat there. And in more than the one night stand sense. I don't want to get hurt. Therefore, being in love could hurt me. If I spread it so I'm not giving you everything, I'm never dependent on you. I'm literally SPREADING the love, using someone else to divert emotions. The more people I do this with, the less I FEEL being in love with you. And the less I care about losing you.
And if I do lose you, someone else just clicks right into the vacancy. As if you were never there.
So yes- if I REALLY loved a woman, a good sign would be that I wasn't just accidently having sex with other people when drunk, but that I was actually carrying on backup romantic relationships as an emotional insurance policy.
A back handed compliment, I guess. The proof I love you, is that I have a shadow for you. And a shadow for the shadow. The more I love you, the more OTHER women there need to be to emotionally insure me against losing you and to protect me from getting in too deep.
Bunny? I loved her so much I wouldn't DREAM of having had a romantic thing with her without having AT LEAST four backups at any one time to cushion me against my own feelings for her.
Now- that's basically how I see it. That's just experience. And I have a fair bit of experience of women. I don't think they in themselves are the problem, I just think it's the social set up.
I think the way I do things is the sensible way and it's the way I advocate it to anyone who'll listen. Because, let's be honest, all you really want is someone to hold you as you sleep who isn't going to hurt me.
Carly never held me as I slept. But she hurt me far more than any human being has ever hurt me. Jeremy Hartley would come in at number two, Baht At at number three and Claire my ex who killed my baby at number four. Wolfie- a blogger called Alex Bath- a very, VERY nasty guy would probably come in at number five. So four out of the five people who ever hurt me are internet blogging bullies.
Because I don't REALLY know what 'hurting' means to these people, but to me it's quite simple. To hurt me, you have to do one of the following;
1. Cause me ACTUAL physical pain, you know, by punching me, slapping me, stabbing me, etc.
2. Shout at me in such a manner as to cause fear and distress.
3. Say something nasty about me or to me.
4. Touching of a sexual nature, or inappropriate physical nature without having asked first if you can touch me in such a way.
There isn't really any other way you can hurt me. Nothing else you do to me can be HURTFUL. I can't actually say you've done me an injury unless you did one of the above. Lied about me? Yes, but that comes under number 3.
You see- it's Carly's LIES- backed up by Jeremy Hartley- that have led to MY LIFE being ruined.
Because Carly herself couldn't face the facts. She- when trying to downplay her behaviour- said I 'overblew a lot of passionate fighting'.
You see, that shows you HER perspective. It isn't mine.
My perspective is that I came home every day from work, looking forward to writing my blog. I made a cup of tea. Then Carly would ring.
But once the precedent had been set, there was no going back. Because I forgave and forgot that first time. I allowed myself to become a victim.
You can NEVER, EVER let anyone shout at you. Not ever. Never let anyone call you the 'C' word. Never let anyone get away with calling back after you've hung up on them.
I should have known this, I'm not an idiot, but I let Carly believe that she could traumatise me and it was nothing. Just 'passionate fighting'. I was too tolerant, I LET myself become a victim of bullying.
I never let men get away with it, but I've allowed myself to become a victim of women this way before.
I let her get away with it, that was the problem. I shouldn't have let her think it was aceptable. The very first time she ever shouted at me, ever swore at me, I should have made it clear I would never speak to her again without a grovelling and sincere apology and if it ever happened again, I would go to the police.
Because once I'd let her get away with it, it started to become the norm. It was just 'passionate fighting' to her.
No, it was abuse.
And she couldn't see it, didn't think she was doing anything wrong.
I think she got off the phone every night thinking 'It's all ok'. Whereas I got off the phone shellshocked and in tears.
She genuinely couldn't see my dilemma. Avoiding her phone calls because she was so scary, yet feeling obliged to talk to her in case avoiding her phone calls led to her cyberbullying me.
I don't think she could see that just by TALKING to me, she was hurting me.
Because the answers to her questions didn't make sense, I knew that.
For example the answer to her question 'Do you want a relationship with me?' was- in reality- 'I don't care as long as the phone calls stop and you don't talk to me'.
The answer to the question 'Have your feelings changed?' was 'The only emotion I feel about you is abject terror'.
The answer to the question 'Is there someone else?' was 'I wish there was. Then I'd have a good reason to be rid of you. It's not that there's someone else, it's that you're horrible. I WANT there to be someone else. ANYONE else'.
It was the TRUTH that she didn't like. Truth she couldn't take.
And nor was the truth truth that Hartley could take. the truth actually offended him.
Because the TRUTH is- a bit like his lies- only the total opposite.
And perhaps I should just have come out in 2007 and said what I am about to say in the next post.
All I will say first is this.
Jeremy Hartley does not KNOW God. Jeremy Hartley does not FEEL her, does not KNOW her, has never one moment in his entire life felt her love. I KNOW that.
How do I know that?
If I told you I'd been to your home town and you asked me to describe it and I got it all wrong, you'd know I hadn't been there wouldn't you?
Jeremy Hartley thinks because he goes to church, believes in marriage, quotes scripture and follows it to the letter of law and SAYS he believes that Jesus Christ was literally the son of God and Heaven and Hell exist, that means he actually believes in God.
Saying you believe a thing doesn't mean you do. You might even think you do, but DO you?
I don't think many of these bible thumping types do. It's self delusion. Otherwise they'd be far more critical of the belief system, analyse it- sometimes say 'This bit HAS to be total rubbish'.
Bible Christianity is, in my view- like radical Islam- exactly what Marx said it is- opium for the masses. It's just a crutch. Psychological heroin. It's not actually a loving relationship with God.
I KNOW Jeremy Hartley doesn't know god by reading his blog. He couldn't portray Carly as a victim if he did; he'd know she was- and is-possessed by Evil.
And he uses carly, knowing she doesn't know God or even believe in her. He knows Baht At and Wolfie live their lives in Godless void.
Because that's what life without God is. And Hartley, for all his pretence in believing in God, KNOWs God not. Never has, never will.
I know that from having read his own words about how he sees love, his 'love' with Anya. Just one line says it all 'it was a volatile relationship'.
That's it. That's all I need to know to tell me that here is a man who does NOt know or believe in God.
As if I didn't already know it from his homophobia, his right wing views, his sexism, his bigotry- his pharasaical nastiness.
Because the- excuse my french- dumb fuck hasn't managed to find the one bloody sentence in the bible that actually matters and use that as the basis for his thinking.
God is love.
And ergo, love is God.
Meaning- quite literally, God is real. Love is the actual, real presence of God within you. It's not imaginary, it's real. It actually is the PRESENCE of the universal consciousness and the EMOTION the universal consciousness feels actually entering YOU. It exists, it's there, it existed before you, it's universal. IF you choose to open up to it.
If you don't, that God shaped hole will be filled by something else, a substitute. the hole needs to be filled, after all. And you'll fill instead with your own selfish feelings and elevate them and expand them till they create pseudo-loves that feel stronger.
And you'll THINK it's love, but it's not. It's just you know no better. And that has a word.
But passion is not love. Because it isn't GOD.
And that is WHY passion is evil. Because it's a subsitute. It causes people to live lives and do things God doesn't WANT.
Because- God WANTS Free Love and Communism.
The cult belief Jeremy Hartley accuses me of pushing is one that is- in fact- just a truth he's frightened of.
But I'm not trying to indoctrinate you, I don't HAVE to. At the end of the day, I write this blog, I guess, for people who strive to be enlightened or- already being enlightened- want to DO something about it.
Because I don't need to convince you God wants Free Love and Communism- you can ask her yourself.
And that's what Hartley is frightened of, I think. I KNOW that if you ask her, she'll tell you.
He's FRIGHTENED of my 'new age, cult, charles Manson views because he's frightened they are TRUE and he is frightened he exists outside of God's love.
In other words, he lives in Hell in this life. For there is no other.
Because I admit one thing. and I admitted it To carly in 2007.
Love Carly? Of course I loved Carly. As I love you, you're all God's children. God loves you, it is you who to choose to damn yourselves, if you can't feel that. That is the point, God turns her back on no one; that's YOUR choice.
I admit, that's all I wanted to teach Carly. What I wanted her to learn. But she was too proud, too arrogant, to learn. Thought she knew it all. That she'd had relationships, been in love- she knew how to love.
No, that wasn't what I meant. I didn't mean 'feelings', didn't mean 'relationships', I meant LOVE.
I meant opening her hear to God and allowing God to flow through her, washing away the passions so she emerged- pure.
Because that's what purity means. Marriage- marriage was tolerated by the clergy as the only way to prevent fights amongst people who felt passions but hadn't found God. Learned to love eachother poroperly through loving God.
People who love God don't need Marriage and don't need property.
You see- I see loving someone as a way of worshipping God. I see sex with someone as two people celebrating God's gift of life to us. My conscience tells me we should make love to eachother and that religion, when it says otherwise, is WRONG.
I also know that you can know if something comes from God or from passion by simple judgement. Ask yourself- does this feeling seem like something God would have put in me?
And I don't believe the Devil is real. I believe- if you like- that you are the Devil. So am I. We all are. The Devil is the bit of you that doesn't want to become ONE with God and mankind. Passion. That's what Evil is. Passion.
Feelings that come- not from God- but within you. The animal you would be if God's love hadn't reached out to you and raised you up.
And yes- I'll admit- I wanted to rescue Carly from that. I don't apologise for it. I want to rescue everyone from it.
And I admit, no, I never wanted to marry her or 'be with her', any more- or less- than I do any other of you.
It was- if you like- simply a way of trying to teach her God's Love for her and getting her to fight instead for what GOD wants.
Which I wouldn't have to 'indoctinate her' in- she'd find out for herself.
Look, do you really want to know what my 'cult' is?
My 'crazed, deranged set of beliefs' that I devote my life to pushing on to anyone who'll listen?
Ok, stay with me. We've finished with Hartley now.
Now you get to compare what I'm saying to what he is saying.
But before I go, why don't I give my critics some fuel?
I've never been angry in my life about anything. Never hated anyone, never BEEN hated.
Yes, society says I'm a bad boy. I fought the law and the law won.
I spread the love drug (ecstasy) around.
What my critics don't tell you, is I didn't make a profit on it. I did it because I believe in Ecstasy. I believe when you take it, you commune with God.
I actually used it myself for religous reasons. Because going to raves was- to me- like going to church. It was religion to me- along with Mass.
want to hear more?
I like group sex and partner swapping. And yes, I do it for religous reasons. Yes, I think group sex and partner swapping is a way we show we love god and our species. that we can enjoy the gift of sex without getting possessive.
Because I believe God gave us sex as a beautiful gift of love. Group love, not possessive love.
I believe this and I've fought the law on it, as I say.
But I say I do all this and believe it to be part of what Marxist Revolution is all about and Catholicism as handed down to us by Jesus Christ is all about.
This is what my life is all about, what I live for and will ultimately- God willing- either die for, or be given the chance by you to serve you in bringing about.
I believe that my belief system reprsents the truest and purest form of TRUE christianity, in all it's true Gnostic glory, the essence of what Catholic truth is all about. I believe my belief system to be the true heir to Rousssea, to Marx, to Lenin, to Nietzsche.
And I believe more. I believe all other belief systems to be mere supsersition. My personal religion is not superstition. It is religion and science synthesised.
I believe that my belief in God is such that Richard Dawkins could not fault my faith. I do not believe in supsersition, or vengeful Gods with tablets of stone who turn pillars into salt. My God is real. My God- Love- can be proved to exist and be proved to BE the universe.
I do not believe I am Jesus. Nor do I believe I am God. But I believe as firmly as Jesus did that I AM right.
Which is arrogance. Or it is correct. I most certainly could be wrong. Insanity is a minority of one.
So how about we start again?
I'm bored of proving what a dick Hartley is, because you know he is anyway. You and I both know that his problem is...
....yeah, yeah, we know. Let's leave him alone now, eh? I've run my course on being angry with him. We're quits. It's for God to deal with him now and she will. A watched kettle never boils.
What I need to do is to convince you my philosophy is correct. Then you can see the wood from the trees, you'll KNOW what the truth about me was- and is- and hopefully, we can set up some kind of movement :)
Don't worry, I'm not going to brainwash you....
Why don't I start by offering you my credentials?
No, not as human being, as what I'm putting myself forward as. As a writer, as a philosopher and- as then you can judge if what I'm putting forward is in fact what we need is a religous and political system for the third Millenium?
Which- ambitious as it is- is my goal.
I don't want to found a civilisation that lasts a thousand years, don't worry :)
I just want to be the creator of it's culture :)
So- let me be start by showing you how you can connect to God. Because you can, anyone can. if you forget a lot of bollocks you've been taught.
Don't worry, I'm going to post it all out in the open and you can try it for yourself. See if you find God.
I'm saying you will. I'm saying, if you follow my instructions, you'll FEEl god's love. And you'll also feel inside her heart.
And you'll find enlightenment.
And then- I believe- you'll come join with me in my way of thinking and...I'll explain later :)
Especially to My Little Honey. Mail me.